Social Media Gone Awry: When Mommybloggers Attack
December 17, 2009
Filed Under: in Analysis, Real-Time Web, Sharing, Social Media
Author: Mark 'Rizzn' Hopkins
Welcome back.
I had intended, today, to focus solely on coding and site issues, as I have been doing for the last 36 hours (aside from a brief nap). I made the mistake at glancing at the headlines a few minutes ago to see what parts of the world had passed me by, and I caught a story from Kim LaCapria over at the Inquisitr that really caught in my craw, and I couldn’t let pass without comment.
In case you hadn’t seen it, Shellie Ross, the author of the fairly popular Blog4Mom mommyblog, tweeted out yesterday: “Please pray like never before, my 2 yr old fell in the pool.” She has since protected her tweetstream, so while I can’t get a direct screenshot (I’ve borrowed this one from Kim’s post), I remember seeing it retweeted a number of times the other day.
About five hours after the initial tweet, she said on Twitter: “Remembering my million dollar baby http://twitpic.com/tkt9t.”
It’s a tragic story, though not particularly worthy of note in the grand scheme of things, particularly on a blog dealing primarily with “grand picture” of technology news, trends and analysis. There are a million tragedies a day in this world, and many of which are routinely documented on social networking sites.
Tuesday morning, though, is when insult was quite literally added to injury. Unable to let a woman grieve in community with the assemblage of friends that had come to support her in her hours of tragedy, segments of the media and the mommy-blogosphere saw fit to publicly flog the poor woman for allowing an accident like this to happen, and put the blame squarely on the shoulders of Shellie’s “addiction to Twitter.”
Those of us who use the internet daily for work or maintaining important relationships may not find that shocking- and stay at home moms (or dads) are a group in particular who rely on the godsend of internet companionship to alleviate the loneliness that can settle in when parenting small children. So when tragedy visited her family, she reached out to her friends- and was reminded cruelly in her time of need that everyone on the internet isn’t always your friend.
Kim points to one mommy blogger in particular, Madison McGraw, who has taken it upon herself to not only blog a dissenting opinion on the topic (which, while not in good taste, is certainly her right), but reach out to the media and offer her armchair analysis as to why Shellie deserves no time to grieved. From Florida Today:
Madison McGraw, who does not know the Ross family, tweeted about the incident and also posted an item on her blog, at www.madisonmcgraw.com, titled “Mom Tweets While Son Drowns.”
“The person that I have compassion for is her son – who might still be alive if (Ross) interacted with her son like she interacted with people on Twitter,” McGraw wrote. “To me, that shows the repercussions for social media gone awry.”
McGraw’s Twitter account lists her hometown as being Bucks County, Pa., which is near Allentown.
Asked by FLORIDA TODAY if she thought it was appropriate to attack a woman she doesn’t know who just lost her son, McGraw responded, “If she didn’t want questions raised at such a painful time, perhaps she shouldn’t have tweeted immediately after her child died. A child is dead because (of) his mother’s infatuation with Twitter.”
This story hits particularly close to home for me as a work-from-home father. My son is roughly the same age, and he’s at a stage of development where all it takes for him to get into trouble is for him to be out of site for literally two minutes. Just this morning, I was on a video conference with Michael Sean Wright, and I stepped out on the back patio for a quick smoke, and even with my son in plain sight, he still managed to lock the back door without my noticing (which is why, incidentally, I always keep a spare key to 
the front door in my wallet).
Twitter addiction has nothing to do with it – as a mommyblogger (just as in my situation), using Twitter is a very important part of what brings home the bacon, and two year olds are generally rambunctious trouble-seekers.
McGraw is certainly right about one thing: social media has gone awry. I understand that when you’re a blogger and twitterer with a wide following, you’re open to rebuttal in the same way that many celebrities find their private lives open to scrutiny. The difference is, here, is that in the pursuit of attention and internet-fame, bloggers like McGraw feel it necessary to create a three-news-cycle item, cashing in on the tragedy of one of her peers.
Since McGraw has turned Shellie’s son’s drowning into an international incident, Shellie has taken both her blog and her twitter stream offline (as well as removed postings from TwitPic of her son’s memorial photos). McGraw has, in essence, caused Shellie to withdraw from her community in the same way that a few rotten apples caused Kathy Sierra to withdraw from the blogosphere two years ago.
The impulse to share with people who care about you that a major tragedy has occurred isn’t social media gone awry. Feeling it’s incumbent upon you to demonize in the news media a mother, and one of your peers, who’s going through her life’s greatest grief is social media gone awry.
Oh wow. There are so many things flashing through my mind...
Tragic that the child died.
Horrified that the mom of the child was tweeting the event as it happened.
Disgusted that another mom used the event to gain attention for her blog.
But, then I think-when I was a divorced mom and my child was young, most of my connections to the outside world were online, when he was in bed.
I think that "mom bloggers" think it is a great way to make money, so they can stay home with their kids, not realizing that if they are going to work "full-time" online, then they also need to provide for some sort of child care or do their business with the children are asleep or in school.
I know that in my case, it's not always feasible to say simply "I'll do it while they're asleep." Granted, my work is somewhat different from the typical parent blogger .. I'm also starting up a business, which requires me to often spend full time days, and another full time shift at night getting done what needs to be done, but in Shellie's case, part of her business is her community and authenticity... monetizing the fact that she's honest about her motherhood with folks who know her and follow her.
I can understand, then, the impulse to share something like that and ask for prayers from her community, friends and family. If I think of what my process would be should something tragic happen to my son (God forbid), if I take social media out of the equation, a half hour later from when the paramedics arrive, I'd be calling friends and family. A simpler solution would likely be to tweet or update my facebook status from my mobile device and attend to matters at hand - at the same time reaching my closest family as well as those in my community who would care.
In that vein, I don't think Shellie did anything outrageously wrong
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You are my hero. Bravo. Well said!
Thank you for saying something.
I live right here in Bucks County, PA, and her face looks vaguely familiar. She better hope I never run into her at the supermarket or she's getting a very loud earful.
What kind of jacka$$ puts SO MUCH energy and work into ripping someone else like that? Clearly this b---h has some serious issues and was probably a queen bee type in high school. Bullies are bullies, and this one didn't seem to grow out of it.
What a terrible statement about our culture. I am ashamed that this woman shares my national identity let alone my zip code. It makes me sick.
@Mami2Mommy: Thanks.
I try.
@Melissa: I originate from East Texas, which generally makes national headlines for high school riots and people being kidnapped in Walmart parking lots, so I know a little about what you're talking about.
As to your character profile of MacGraw - I sorta got that impression... It's hard to say, since I don't really know her that well (I didn't read very far back in her archives, but the few posts I read could be consistent with your assessment)...
Her move and willigness to continue her portrayal of Shellie as hopelessly addicted to outside contact via twitter to the numerous media outlets that quoted her just struck me as someone seeking her 15 minutes of fame.
Thank you for speaking up. When my daughter was five and my husband was out of the country, I walked her across our "street", which is really more like an alleyway in a condo complex to play with her friend. she forgot something and came home for it, slipped in the back door, got what she wanted, and headed back across. A van driver parked on the side who wasn't paying attention drove over her.This was 10 years ago, but still, the folks I reached out to were my online friends and co-workers, because they were my community. It was a message board and not twitter, but still...they were the first refuge.
Perhaps this woman who felt compelled to pass judgment on Shellie might have bothered to a) find out facts; and b) STFU about what her opinion was, because maybe, just possibly, it could hurt another person who had already been wounded to the quick.
In my situation, an whacko shrink we took her to for PTSD reported me to Child Protective Services, where I had to endure the humiliation of having a full investigation done, friends, school, doctor, neighbors all questioned. I've never forgotten the insult put on top of injury from that.
It is, in some ways, worse than the Kathy Sierra situation, even though hers was terrible, because Shellie has to live with the loss of her sweet child AND the unwarranted judgment of others. Horrible.
I must be missing something because the way the story was originally reported (in the actual news, not on blogs) Shellie was NOT Tweeting as the tragedy unfolded! She was cleaning out a chicken coop while her 11 year old watched his younger brother. She had asked the 11yr old to get a hose out of the pool area and the gate did nit close properly behind him. He went back inside to look for his brother who had already snuck out and fallen into the pool. Shellie called 911 and performed CPR the entire time waiting for them to arrive. She only tweeter (according to records) after they got there, propbably in desperation and feeling alone and scared. She told her followers after the criticism began that she was not tweeting as it went, but I guess people get more attention when they make things up. And you'll excuse me if I find it deeply ironic that other "mommy bloggers" (who must be ignoring their own kids plenty) are spending do much time attacking thus poor woman in her grief. Deplorable and just another reason women have the reputation they have (of being vicious and self-defeating).
I'm sorry, but I don't think the 11 year old should have been in charge of the 2 year old. First of all, in Florida that's illegal. Siblings must be 12 or older to be in charge of those younger. Secondly, I was a single mother from the time my daughter was 1 until she was 8. NEVER during that time, was she out of my sight unless she was with another ADULT. Anything personal that I wanted or needed to do was left alone until I could give it my full attention, which means that another responsible person was watching her, or she was asleep. That chicken coop could have waited. This woman spends many hours a day blogging and tweeting... and after reading some of here posts, she appears very narcissistic and self-centered. What are her children doing during this time that she spends telling the world about her life? This sounds like nothing more than another "hoax" to get on a reality TV show. I will pray to God with all my might that this child did NOT die so his mother could receive the 15 minutes of fame that she seems to think is due her.
Madison McGraw's a publicity hound with a passel of mediocre books to sell and she's run out of relatives she hasn't alienated yet to give her glowing reviews. Who the hell gets riled up about something that's a terrible tragedy and aggressively courts newspapers, TV shows and reporters, and tries to call detectives to get the poor bereft mom arrested?
She herself has at least three online identities and as much as she bitches at Ross for, you'd think she'd be a bit more circumspect as she doesn't have custody of all her children. She's boasted that famous writers have written her back and compares her writing to that of James Patterson and Janet Evanovich. Meanwhile, at least one reviewer on Amazon sounds an awful lot like her, following one reviewer back to her site and harassing her there.
I just marvel at people like this. There's a reason we call things 'accidents'.
I have not read the posts surrounding all of this. I don't want to. I did read this because I'm subscribed and I like Mark ;o)
Can I just shine a light on something coming from the other side as I like to call it when we no longer have little ones scooting through our lives?
First, my heart goes out to the mom in question. The pain of losing a child is unimaginable to those who have not, and yet we all have probably had nightmares of that at some point so the empathy exists and is almost palpable.
Now the other side and a teensy bit of history for perspective.
I have 2 kids, kids...18 is the baby and 27 is the oldest. My 18 year old has a bone condition. Brittle bones. In other words he can walk across a floor and for no reason at all a bone can break. Let me just say the horror we all experience when our kids are injured is increased 10 fold when it starts happening and you don't know why and don't know how to prevent it. We didn't know he had it until he was 2 and by then he had had both legs broken multiple times, his jaw, a few other fractures. I was a 'stay at home mom' and I felt helpless. I berated myself daily with, why didn't I pay more attention, or what could I have done differently to prevent it? I remember when my son was 1.5 and he and I came home from the market with arms full of groceries. To this day I do not know exactly what happened, my arms were full of bags, but I heard a shriek behind me and dropped my groceries turning in time to see my son sitting on the ground white as a sheet, holding his leg and rocking back and forth. his leg was broken and I blamed me, but I sure didn't want it and didn't expect it. He was a baby. In that moment I hated myself for failing him. But I didn't fail him, I never wanted to fail him and I sure didn't wish the pain he has endured on him.
We aren't gods, we can't predict all things and we have no right to point fingers at others when we aren't walking in their shoes. The little boy who drowned has left a legacy he surely would not want left. He loved his mom and would not want her to suffer this backlash, even if she was twittering while it happened, for a mistake we ALL are guilty of. Not watching every single second. Who of us has never turned our head with a toddler? We have all gone to the bathroom, or been so tired we put our child down for a nap, lying down ourselves and been awakened with a situation unexpected? Look...maybe it isn't one of the scenarios I pointed out, but we've had calls or had the doorbell ring or something has happened that meant we weren't on top of our toddler every second. All it takes is one second and that woman is left to pay a lifetime price for something if she could undo it would be undone in a heartbeat. She isn't a Susan Smith and she shouldn't be treated like one. She is human and she is doing the best she can.
I'm sorry for her and her family. Sorry for the people who are so smug and sure they have all the answers. Sorry that our world isn't more caring and loving when people experience things and can't even turn to the people they thought they could for support and consideration.
I wish we would all make a resolution to think before we speak. I wish we would all step back and give each other a little slack. Perfection doesn't exist and to expect it of ourselves or others means we have little tolerance for differences and don't learn or grown through our mistakes. That is truly sad.
Hi Mark. I see I'm late to this but I have to chime in. As someone who sees comments posted on news stories daily as part of my job, I know that this kind of criticism is very common. As the person in charge of creating policies and guidelines for moderators to follow, one rule I've created is this: We do not allow comments that blame a parent when a child dies. At least not when the story is first reported and the facts are unknown. That is one area we choose to moderate very delicately. Now, we are a news site and there is pre-moderation but this guideline was very much needed based on what we were seeing. People don't need facts to start with their assumptions and they are very cruel when it comes to children because the blam has to be placed somewhere and the facts don't matter. Sad, but true. And believe me, these aren't mommy bloggers, they are John and Jane Q. Public sharing similar sentiments placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of the parent even when it doesn't involve twitter or spending time on social networking sites. This is very pervasive.
That story is…just, wow.
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