Do you think your government has absurd internet censorship laws?  If you are reading this, probably not, so good for you!  But as for our brothers and sisters from Turkmenistan, they  aren’t quite so lucky.

In the latest example of Turkmenistan’s extreme take on internet censorship, a viral video of a man falling off a horse after crossing the finish line during a race has been banned from being shown or mentioned in news articles and on websites based in the country. Meanwhile, to stop the spread of the video on social media sites like Facebook and Twitter, which they have little control over, authorities have even attempted to restrict access to these altogether. Why?  Because the dude who couldn’t keep his butt on the horse and his hands on the reigns is none other than the country’s esteemed President Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov.

The incident, which is hugely embarrassing for a man who likes to cultivate a personality cult to rival that of North Korea’s Kims, was secretly filmed by an anonymous race attendee, who was able to take a high definition video of the president’s gaffe. Consequently, he or she uploaded it to the web, and like most embarrassing footage of famous people, the clip rapidly went viral.

At the time of press, the footage in question has been viewed more than 230,000 times, and it just keeps rising.  The popularity of the clip isn’t because it’s especially amusing (in fact, the president suffered quite a nasty fall), but more likely because it was immediately banned in Turkmenistan the moment it came to the authorities’ attention.  Social media sites like YouTube and Facebook, where the video went viral, were reported to be “inaccessible or extremely slow”, while Turkmenistan’ media has banned it from appearing or being mentioned on the news.

Gunmdogar, an opposition news site based outside Turkmenistan, reported that immediately after the incident, race officials attempted to confiscate all electronics from attendees to prevent the video from being leaked.

“Two foreign attendees contacted by RFE/RL said foreigners in the crowd were asked by the presidential apparatus to delete or hand over all electronic media that could have recorded the tumble. In addition, they said a Lufthansa flight from Ashgabat was delayed while officials conducted extra checks for flash sticks and camera memory disks,” Gunmdogar reported.

Karma’s a Bitch

When Berdymukhammedov assumed the presidency of Turkmenistan from his late predecessor Saparmurat Niyazov (who, by the way, was totally insane), many Turkmens were hoping for a better life. Niyazov was a narcissist who created one of the most peculiar personality cults ever seen. Among his numerous ‘achievements,’ he built impressive golden statues of himself, decreed that his book, a collection of his thoughts on Turkmen culture, be read by school students every morning, and even changed some of the months of the year to his and his mother’s name.

Following Niyazov’s death in 2006, Berdymukhammedov removed much of Niyazov’s stamp on Turkmenistan.  It seemed like the dawn of a new era for many Turkmens, who were hoping for greater freedoms to follow.  But unfortunately, it was the dawn of a new terror.

Berdymukhammedov’s proved himself to be every bit as narcissistic as Niyazov was, maybe even worse.  Huge portraits of him started popping up, replacing those of the late rule, institutions and units were renamed, and he’s not shy about talking about his life and interests either, publishing a number of books including one about Akhal-Teke, the country’s famous horse breed and his personal favorite breed.  Once, he played a love song on national TV, and the guitar he used was immediately dubbed a “great treasure” and sent to a museum for safe-keeping.

Berdymukhammedov wants his countrymen to kiss and worship his ass.  He wants them to see him as some kind of demi-god, and so falling off a horse and kissing the ground isn’t exactly befitting of his ‘status’. Definitely not something ‘mere mortals’ should see.

Though he toppled off his horse, at least he managed to win the race, but then again, the race was almost certainly rigged for him to win. In any case, the beloved president took home $11 million in prize money which he donated to a fund dedicated to promoting his beloved horse breed.

Damn You Internet!

A lot of people capture embarrassing video footage and post it on the web these days, because most of us just can’t help but giggle at other people’s misfortune.  If an embarrassing video of us appears on the web, the only recourse is to contact the site and ask that the video taken down, but that doesn’t happen at the a snap of finger.

However, if you happen to have total control over the media and web in your country, it’s another story.  All you have to do is order for a news blackout and your problem is solved. or at least, that’s how things used to be. But unfortunately for President Berdymukhammedov, mobile devices are now so prevalent, even in countries like Turkmenistan, that everything can be captured and shared in an instant – way before you have a chance to order that blackout.  So even if his countrymen can no longer access his horse riding fumble, the rest of the world can.  Screw you, Mr. President!