Gilbert Arenas is Very, Very Stupid #NBA

Agent Moron

Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards star who isn’t playing ball because he pulled a gun on a teammate and then joked about it forcing the commissioner of the league to suspend him for the season, is a complete idiot.

How do I know? Because Gil basically goes out of his way to prove it everytime he opens his mouth. These are just some of the idiotic tidbits from an upcoming article he gave to Esquire magazine.

For openers, he says that he failed to use “longevity thinking” before drawing down on teammate Javaris Crittendon. Longevity thinking? I can’t even begin to decipher what that means. Really, I can’t. Is that Gil-speak for ‘don’t pull guns on teammates’? Who knows.

During another portion of the piece, he talks about besmirching the legacy of dead Wiz owner Abe Pollin.

"I have a painting of him in my garage. I just walk by it with my head down," Arenas said. "I called Mrs. Pollin and said, 'If Abe was still with us, I would've had to talk to him, so I'm gonna give you the same respect. I want to say sorry to you. I deserve to be punished. I'll do everything it takes to get back your husband's respect."'

OK, who wants to take a crack at that? How many things are wrong with that? You honor the man who made you a multi-millionaire by hanging a portrait of him in your garage? Right next to the Pennzoil sign and the lawnmower? Do you lean the rake and the weedwhacker up against the portrait, or do you have too much respect for the guy? The garage?

Respect.

Oh, and you do know he’s dead, right? Hard to “win back his respect” while he is rotting in a box or stuffed into an urn or however he decided to go out.

Arenas also says that at one point he owned 500 guns. 500! That’s about 499 too many for most people. He says he bought the majority of his 500 guns from an elderly man’s World War I collection and that he placed all but four of the guns in storage when he started collecting. That’s smart. Because we all know that only four guns can't kill a kid. You need a lot more than four guns to have a tragic accident. Not to mention that Gil takes gun safety seriously. That’s why he pulled one on his teammate as a joke. That’s safe, right? Where the hell do you keep 500 guns? Do you keep the Gatling gun in the vegetable crisper? The Uzi under the changing table?

The kicker was Arenas’s take on Tiger Woods being a bad guy.

"Say it's all true," Arenas said. "At the end of the day, that's not the reason I love Tiger. I got three Tiger Woods games for my Xbox just in case one gets scratched. On the cover, it doesn't have him walking next to his wife. It just has Tiger Woods, hitting shots."

Oh, OK. Thanks for clearing that up Agent Moron. A grown man having three copies of the same video game is actually more infuriating than a grown man eating candy for all his meals, (see Rose, Derrick). Two copies isn’t enough? In the event copy #1 goes down, couldn’t you play the back-up disc on the way to Best Buy to pick up another.

Gilbert Arenas is a idiot. He didn’t get it while playing cops and robbers with his teammates, and he doesn’t get it now.

NL East Preview #MLB

By Brian Beckner:

Spring training baseball is popping off and while there are literally only three or four teams that even have a remote opportunity to win the World Series, it’s fun to acquiesce to delusion and preview them all as though they do in fact have a chance.

Ah the Senior Circuit, where the pitcher bats his position and managers like to get cute with the bunting and the ambiguously named “double switch.” The National League, just like regular baseball but with that quaint, old-timey “take the extra base” vibe.

Philadelphia Phillies - The Phillies finally broke through and won the World Series a couple years back ending a lengthy run of futility for the angriest city in America. After losing to the evil empire in last year’s Fall Classic, the Phillies moved to strengthen their staff by snatching Roy “Doc” Halladay out of Toronto and in turn flipping Cliff Lee to Seattle like a frat boy pawning the chunky sorority girl off on his slightly drunker housemate. Of course Lee is no fat chick. Quite the contrary, Lee is the slightly less hot girl that is guaranteed to put out, and had the Phillies kept him they’re pitching staff would be unequaled in MLB. Without Lee, the Phillies are still the favorite for the NL pennant, but at least there’s hope that America’s angriest fans will suffer another crushing disappointment.

Florida Marlins - How does a team that spends no money and sells all their good players still manage to win 87 games? They play their games in an empty football stadium and they’re uniforms are, get this - teal. Question: will Yankee fans cry when Saint Jeter moves to center field to make room for Hanley Ramirez?

Atlanta Braves - Let the Bobby Cox retirement tour commence. Does he get to collect a Rolls Royce in every city like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? And who won’t celebrate a guy that managed a staff of three Hall of Fame starting pitchers to exactly one World Series title? With an incredible record of success like that no wonder fans are celebrating his retirement. The Braves are actually worth watching this year for a reason besides the occasional glimpse at Don Sutton’s tragic perm. The Braves have three pitchers with a decent shot at having an arm fall off on the field. Is it possible to set up a text alert for anytime Tim Hudson, Billy Wagner or Takashi Saito takes the mound? Do you think Sutton employs a pick in concert with a blow dryer to get that look?

New York Mets - Can anyone confirm that Omar Minaya is still collecting a paycheck? How long is that going to last? Jose Reyes has an overactive thyroid coincidentally after being treated by noted HGH provider, errr blood spinner, Dr. Anthony Galea. Carlos Beltran is hurt as usual and the pitching staff consists of Johan Santana and a bunch of other dudes. At least they only have the second highest payroll in the major leagues. When do the Jets report to camp?

Washington Nationals -First overall draft pick Stephen Strasburg might be a good pitcher, but if you believe the hype he can cure polio with his pit sweat. Unfortunately, even that wouldn’t get fans to the park. The countdown to Adam Dunn’s inevitable trade to a contender starts now.

He’s Back #PGA

Nerds!

He’s back. Officially.

Tiger Woods has announced that he is going to return to competitive golf at the Masters next month. Credit for one thing. Instead of having the announcement leaked from someone ‘with knowledge of his schedule’ he said it himself, or at least had someone type it and sign his name to it.

"The Masters is where I won my first major and I view this tournament with great respect. After a long and necessary time away from the game, I feel like I'm ready to start my season at Augusta," Woods said in a statement. "The major championships have always been a special focus in my career and, as a professional, I think Augusta is where I need to be, even though it's been awhile since I last played."

Woods has never missed playing in the Masters since turing professional in 1997, and has won the hideous green coat four times.

So much for staying away from golf until he put his life back together. When he spoke, errrr, read in front of friends and a TV camera in February, he said that he didn’t know when he would play again, but that it might be this year. At the time, people thought that meant he might skip the Masters and maybe even other major events. Guess not.

Tiger is about Tiger, always has been, always will be. He got that entire “I humiliated my wife and kids, sponsors and friends’ things squared away in the last month and it’s all good? Go tee it up and play golf? Apparently.

"I have undergone almost two months of in-patient therapy and I am continuing my treatment," Woods said in his statement. "Although I'm returning to competition, I still have a lot of work to do in my personal life."

Right. As long as it doesn’t interfere with you running down Jack Nicklaus. Can’t have that. Fixing your marriage is important, but no way you skip a major. It’s Augusta! Know what I mean?

Nerrrrrrrds!

Speaking of re-hab, go check into high-five rehab. You and bag ape Stevie look ridiculous trying to celebrate. Woods is nothing more than a world class dork who happens to be able to hit a golf ball real, real well. I don’t care if you can hit a 5-iron 220 yards, if you can’t connect on a simple high-five, how athletic can you be?

Truth of the matter is, I am glad he’s coming back. I want to see him play again. I want to see the best golfer who ever lived, do what he does best; play. But it’s hilarious that his return just happens to come during the most controlled event of the year. A place where the old coots who run the show can control the fans, the media, and everyone else more tightly than any other tournament of the year.

Tiger Woods is a coward. He was a coward when he ran and hid instead of addressing his lies. He was a coward when he read a prepared statement instead of taking real questions. And he is a coward now by returning in the most safe and secure golf environment imaginable and not missing a single event that matters to him.

Good luck at Augusta, it’s clearly all you care about.

Go Gauchos! #NCAA Basketball

Ole, Ole!

The field for this year's NCAA tournament might be the weakest one ever assembled (good time to think about expanding to 96 teams, no?), but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still great moments. And if not great, at least interesting to some. Like me.

The University of California, Santa Barbara is headed to Milwaukee to play Ohio State in the first round of the NCAA tournament. There might not be a single non-alumni, non-Santa Barbara resident who cares that they are in the field of 65, but who cares? They’re in. And for the Gauchos and other small schools around the country that don’t play football, are not powerhouse mid-majors like Gonzaga, that’s everything.

UCSB is not going to beat the Buckeyes unless something crazy happens; and UCSB would need about 9 ‘crazies’ to happen to get by Ohio State. But it doesn’t matter. For the next four days, Gaucho alums, and grads of other schools like Robert Morris, Morgan State, or North Texas get to dream, get to think about what it would be like to be Cinderella for a day. Playing in the tournament is good enough. Being there is everything. For UCSB senior guard James Powell, and other players like him, getting to the NCAA tournament is the culmination of an entire career. This is the moment.

Congrats JP.

There are maybe (maybe!) 10 teams that have a chance of winning six games in a row. For the other 55 teams in the tournament, it is a chance to play one or two more games, in front of people that don’t even know your school exists. That’s it. No delusions of getting hot and winning it all. And that’s good enough.

Go Gauchos, Go Mean Green, Go Golden Bears and Go Eagles, and every other team that has no shot come Thursday. It’s your moment, enjoy it!

Dick Vitale…Awkward #NCAA Basketball

Um, I like Dick Vitale as a guy.  Nice man, good heart.  I hate Dick Vitae the broadcaster.  Loud, brassy and devoid of information.

But as much as I dislike listening to him call a game, Erin Andrews likes dancing with him even less.

You can feel the awkwardness pouring through your computer screen.  It is the NCAA basketball verison of every creepy old man you have ever seen, hitting on a pretty young girl in a bar...times a billion.  Dick, stop.

Andrews didn’t even pretend to be having fun.  After that final twirl she looked like she wanted to find the shower from Silkwood.  Jody Foster in The Accused looked less traumatized.

Stand down Dick.  That wasn’t funny, charming, or cute.  It was just all wrong.