Posted by Brian Beckner on Feb 5, 2010

USA vs. England: Soccer Sex Edition

Soccer players like to score.

By Brian Beckner:

By now everyone knows about English national soccer team captain John Terry sexing-up teammate Wayne Bridge’s girl. And now word has come down that Terry’s proclivity for multiple behind-the-back shots on goal have cost him his captaincy. Do they have to unstitch that cool “C” from his sweater now, or is that a different TV-impaired, scoring- free, niche Euro-sport?

Of course England (not sure whether it’s North or South England, but it’s definitely one of the Englands) is freaking out because soccer’s yearly World Cup thingy is about to start and inter-team skank coveting doesn’t bode well for a team’s chances in one of the bigger tournaments in the soccer world. But really what is England so worried about? These guys are pros; they should be strong enough mentally to overcome a bit of pettiness over one player shagging another player’s special lady. It’s not like they were going to win anyway. Plus, there’s always next year, right?

As odd as the situation seems it is actually eerily familiar to the travails of another international soccer powerhouse, the United States of America.

From the AP:

Breaking more than a decade of silence, former U.S. coach Steve Sampson says he dropped John Harkes two months before the 1998 World Cup because the captain was having an affair with the wife of teammate Eric Wynalda.

Harkes has long denied having an affair with Amy Wynalda.

There you go Britain. Once again the United States has to show you how things are done. Our guys were getting their bang on with their teammate’s wives way back in 1998. Even better, you now have your road map for how not to handle this situation.

Hey, what are your plans for after the game?

Back then US coach Steve Sampson booted the offending wife slayer from the squad. Big mistake. The team went on to finish winless and dead last in the tournament. Of course we’re America, and we only care about real football so no one noticed. Literally this is the first it’s been discussed anywhere. But the lesson for England is clear. It’s a mistake to dump your guy. Taking away his frilly “C” doesn’t diminish his stature in the dressing room. His stature in the bedroom, however, is definitely beyond reproach.

Whether he holds the official title or not, Terry is still the team captain. If the rest of the team looked up to him before, they really respect him now. Dude is a competitor. Sure he could have had pretty much any chick around, but he wanted to snatch up another bloke’s bird. Isn’t this just the competitive nature of the athlete? It’s called leadership. Sex first and ask questions later. Sure it’s your buddy’s gal, but at this point he’s just collateral damage. Plus, if he’s any kind of competitor he’s looking to return fire with your wife, sister, mother or grandmother. Turnabout is fair play. Nothing a friendly pint at the pub won’t resolve, right Wayno? Nothing brings a team together like a good natured crack at the tenth commandment. This should be England’s rallying cry, their impetus to win it all.

Disagree? Listen to Wynalda’s reaction to his sancho-slash-teammate getting booted for excessive wood laying on his teammate’s wife.

Again from AP:

"I'm calling it an inappropriate relationship. It was a major contributor to why I'm no longer married," said Wynalda, a father of three who separated from his wife in 2003 and then divorced.

Wynalda said that when Sampson informed him in the spring of 1998 that he was dropping Harkes, Wynalda tried to persuade the coach to change his mind. Sampson didn't recall such a conversation, but said that doesn't mean it didn't take place.

"At that time, I felt that he was still a player that could help our cause and he was still one of the best 22 players in our country," Wynalda said.

Hall of Fame for what?

See, Wynalda knows. Sure his buddy was keeping his bed warm with the old lady, but he was also a good player. At the end of the day it’s about winning. Nobody knows that better than America. American soccer may lack the violence and mayhem of its European and South American counterparts, but never let it be said that the players aren't as unscrupulous and depraved as their foreign counterparts. Stripping Terry’s captaincy is absolutely the wrong move in this situation. And with the two nations set to face off in South Africa, look for America to set the tone one the field, err, pitch, the same way they do in the sack (and in that little Revolutionary War thing that popped off a couple centuries back) - USA 1, England 0, err nil.

You’re welcome England.

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