American League East Preview #MLB

By Brian Beckner:

Spring training baseball is popping off and while there are literally only three or four teams that even have a remote opportunity to win the World Series, it’s fun to acquiesce to delusion and preview them all as though they do in fact have a chance.

Who doesn’t love the AL East? It’s the Evil Empire, the slightly less Evil Empire, the harmless Canadian buddy, a sleepy retirement community and Jim Palmer’s tighty whiteys. It’s the AL East and it’s on TV every night.

New York Yankees - Let the Derek Jeter hero worship commence. Like it ever stopped? After all, even in the season where he will crest the midpoint of his thirties, he’s still probably the second best shortstop on his own team. But hey, he’s a true Yankee. Jeter is actually coming off of one of the best seasons of his career and the Yankees once again are loaded for a World Series run. A $200 million payroll will do that for you. They also have Alex Rodriguez who mashed the bombers through the playoffs last year despite being afflicted with a condition that causes his skin to turn an odd shade of tangerine. Satchel Paige supposedly pitched until he was 60. Big deal, Mariano Rivera’s decomposing skeleton is still throwing that cutter.

Boston Red Sox - Does anyone remember those lovable losers that couldn’t overcome the bad luck associated with trading away Babe Ruth? Well those guys died in 2004 and now they’ve been reincarnated as the Yankees only with more obnoxious accents. At what point did ESPN turn every summer into the Red Sox vs. Yankees show? Why don’t those two teams play anyone else? It’s like ESPN is running Sophie’s Choice on a loop, but in this version the viewers are begging to send both teams away. David Ortiz is very fat which would be cool if he could still hit baseballs past second base. Luckily the Sox bolstered their pitching staff with the monstrous under bite of John Lackey. Unfortunately he’s pitching to Teixeira and Rodriguez every night.

Tampa Bay Rays - Here’s a funny joke: the Rays went to the World Series. Ha! No seriously, it was like two years ago. Remember, they play in that horrible blimp hangar? Did the architect have the good sense take his own life after Tropicana Field was erected? Doesn’t “field” connote that presence of something that actually occurs in nature? The Astrodome thinks that is an unfortunate place to play baseball. At least the Rays’ crowd is young. All you need to go to a game at the Trop is a birthdate from the 1930's, extensive osteoporosis, and a walker with tennis balls on the ends. The best thing about the Rays, besides playing home games in God’s waiting room, is Long Beach State product and perennial MVP candidate Evan Longoria. Longoria, besides being incredibly well-educated, is an absolute monster at the dish and his presence in the line-up gives the Rays at least a glimmer of hope. Oh, and their manager has cool glasses.

Toronto Blue Jays - Is this seriously a Major League Baseball team? And it’s in Canada? How’s Kelly Gruber looking this spring? Is Rance Mulliniks swinging a hot bat? Is anyone currently having sex in the Sky Dome hotel? Go Leafs.

Baltimore Orioles - Has anyone heard from this team since season five of the Wire? How’s that consecutive game streak going? Can we get another one started so we don’t have to watch Zombie Cal Ripken monotone his way through the TBS post-season studio show again?

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