The Case for a Celebratory Specialist

By Brian Beckner:

Modern sports have become so specialized that it’s almost impossible to find a player in any sport that does two things anymore.  After the designated hitter (is my man Harold Baines in the Hall of Fame yet?) hit the scene the floodgates were open.  These days we have the nickel back (not to be confused with those hot Canadian chart-toppers you’ve been seen pumping your dorky fist to in traffic), LOOGY (Hong-Chih Kuo!) and the all-important goon (thoughts and prayers to the Probert family).

The time has come for a new specialization in all sports – the designated celebrator.  Athletes make too much money and organizations have too much on the line to have their investments injured by an errant champagne cork, or in this case shaving cream masquerading as baked goods.  Forget the third-down back, this could be the most necessary of all the new-school “specialists.”

From the Miami Herald:

Chris Coghlan might require surgery for a left knee injury he sustained on Sunday when he pied a teammate in the face following a walkoff victory on Sunday. Coghlan was placed on the 15-day disabled list after an MRI revealed he tore the meniscus cartilage in his left knee.

The tipping point was probably Kendry Morales unfortunate tibia-cracking plate leap (judging by this dude’s physique, I’m guessing it wasn’t the first time he hurdled out of control towards an awaiting platter), but at least he was the guy that got the big hit.  Coghlan was only the congratulator in this celebratory snafu, and honestly, the old pie in the face?  Who the hell thinks still thinks this is funny?  Is this guy a MLB player or the next Shemp Howard?

Had Major League Baseball instituted a designated celebrator rule, this could have all been avoided.  Just picture it, as Morales waddled around third base Angels manager Mike Scioscia could have called time and sent the clubby or the bullpen catcher out to style a wicked dish dive.  And if that guy pops a hammy, well, who cares?

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