Friday Facts #FACT

By Brian Beckner:

Facts on a Friday. Remember, these are not one man’s opinion, but rather indisputable, iron clad, unassailable FACTS.

LeBron James wants his drinks served by bottomless waitresses, is proficient with chopsticks and may or may not have defeated Lamar Odom in a West Side Story style dance off.  FACT.  He also wears sunglasses indoors at night.  This is the douchiest thing anyone could ever do.  FACT.  ESPN would prefer you not know any of these things.  FACT.  Too late.  FACT.

Rick Pitino is a swordsman.  FACT.  Assuming sexing a crazy lady on a restaurant table for 15 seconds Mike Damone style shortly after meeting said crazy lady in said restaurant qualifies someone for swordsman status?  It does.  FACT.

Some dude on the Florida Marlins blew out his knee while attempting to reverse engineer shaving cream into weaponized baked goods.  FACT.  Bigger story, the dude was apparently the 2009 National League Rookie of the Year.  No one on earth knew who the 2009 NL ROY was until precisely this moment.  FACT.  That FACT has already been forgotten by 93 percent of you.  FACT.  You can’t name three current Florida Marlins players.  FACT.

Roy Oswalt relocated to Philly from Houston.  FACT.  The only acceptable pronunciation for “Houston” is YOU-ston.  FACT.  Oswalt is the first Mississippian ever to travel to the Philadelphia metro area and is making his way there via tractor.  FACT.

Lane Kiffin poached an offensive coordinator from the Tennessee Titans.  FACT.  Somehow the Titans think this an actionable offense.  The Titans look like bitches.  FACT.  Everyone hates Lane Kiffin.  FACT.  No one hates Layla Kiffin.  FACT.

Terrell Owens has taken what’s left of his 36-year-old talents to Cincinnati, where he will fight for both camera time and catches (or in Owens case, drops) with his BFF Chad Ochocinco.  This will end badly.  FACT.  Anyone that has ever appeared on a “reality show” should officially be removed from participation in the human race.  FACT.

Albert Haynesworth doesn’t want to play in the 3-4 defense.  His conditioning is also suspect.  He makes $100 million…Mike Shanahan looks like a rat.  FAAAAACCCCCT.  Not sure if Shanahan has glass eye, but he appears as though he may.  FACT.

blog comments powered by Disqus