By Brian Beckner:

Remember, these are not one man’s opinion, but rather indisputable, iron clad, unassailable FACTS.

Scottie Pippen is having a statue of his effigy erected outside the United Center. Pippen is unattractive. FACT.

Statues never look like the actual person. FACT. Everyone is hoping that holds true with the Pippen statue. FACT.

Scottie Pippen would much rather have the cash equivalent of said statue.  FACT.  Scottie Pippen needs cash.  FACT.  Scottie Pippen never tipped more than 0%.  FACT.  'No Tippin' Scottie Pippen' is the best sports nickname ever.  FACT.

Scottie Pippen is attempting a real-life remake of Brewster's Millions, only this time it's funny.  FACT.

The biggest presence in the history of American soccer is finally making a return to the pitch. Wait, David Beckham has an injury? Who’s David Beckham again? He plays in America? Has this been confirmed? No one in America has ever heard of this Beckham character. FACT.

Calling the field the “pitch” is super lame. FACT.

We’re talking about a real American soccer superstar, a household name, a player whose visage adorns the bedroom walls of young soccer players from coast-to-coast. That’s right, New Mexico Lobos enforcer Elizabeth Lambert is back. FACT.

Elizabeth Lambert is a stone-cold sociopath. FACT.

Elizabeth Lambert is hott with two T’s. FACT.

Tiger Woods enjoys sex…A LOT. FACT. Sex rehab causes you to play terrible golf. FACT.

Writing nine-figure checks is a good way to get motivated. FACT.

The NFL fined Chad Ochocinco for tweeting during a game. What if this was to happen during the Super Bowl? That wouldn’t be a problem because Ochocinco will be watching that from his couch. FACT.

Things Chad Ochocinco will never be fined for: winning a Super Bowl ring, going to the Hall of Fame and being compelling in any way. His act was tired when it was called the Icky Shuffle. FACT.

If Chad Ochocinco were better at football he wouldn’t be sideline tweeting. FACT. If Chad Ochocinco weren’t sideline tweeting, he’d be better at football. FACT.

'Ochocinco' is a very stupid name.  FFFAAAYYYCCCTTT.

Carson Palmer deserves a medal. FACT. The Bengals have cool helmets. FACT.

There used to be a sport called “boxing.” FACT.

The state of Texas just cleared the way for boxer/criminal Antonio Margarito to get throttled by Manny Pacquiao at Texas Stadium. How ’bout them Cowboys! FACT.  Jerry Jones has a team worth over $1 billion and still got a dime store face lift.  FACT.  This amuses me.  FACT.

The last time Antonio Margarito stepped into the ring it was with a roll of dimes in each glove. FACT.

Antonio Margarito should be in prison. FACT.

Boxing is more scripted than professional wrestling. FACT. We’re totally buying the pay-per-view. FACT.

James Toney used to be a skinny boxer.  FACT.  James Toney became a fat boxer.  FACT.  James Toney is now a fat MMA fighter and is about to get tuned up by Randy Couture.  FACT.

MMA is the favorite sport of small, angry, white guys in Ed Hardy hats and medium Affliction t-shirts.  FACT.

The University of North Carolina football team may have had tutors write their term papers. FACT. No D-I football player has ever written their own term paper. FACT.

UNC has a football team. FACT?

World famous soccer goon, Elizabeth Lambert, that is. Lambert is the U. of New Mexico soccer player who became internet famous last fall after going on a killing spree playing rough, during a MWC game against BYU.

After serving a two game suspension, she is back with the team and ready to attack the game, and presumably, other players.

New Mexico AD Paul Krebs and head coach Kit Vela announced that she will be making her return. Lambert did not attend the announcement, with the admintrators saying she just wants to be a part of the team. Right.

I can only hope that she hasn’t changed her style of play. I don’t need her to be a passer or a goal scorer. I don’t need her to be a leader on her team or a cog in the machine. I need her to be, well, Elizabeth Lambert, the only college soccer player I have ever heard of in my life.

She didn’t reach that level by knowing how to do whatever it is soccer players in college do. She reached it by being dirty, nasty, and by her willingness to injure someone. This can’t change.

She did the impossible. She made non-World Cup, non-EPL, American amateur soccer front page news. Eye on the prize Lambert. And by prize I mean that BYU forward’s ponytail and jugular.

Stephen Strasburg...He was removed for a game over the weekend after experiencing pain in his right arm. If the Nationals do anyting other than shut him down for the rest of the season, Nats fans (is there such a thing?) should show up at the ballpark armed with pitchforks, torches and battering rams. The Nats are a horseshit baseball team. Their franchise consists of Strasburg; Bryce Harper’s potential, and a stupid mascot race that they thieved from the Brewers. The only hope for them to become something other than that is to pray to a higher power that nothing happens to Strasburg. Get him right, make sure he is 100% before he pitches again, check again to make sure he is 100%, then decide not to let him pitch until spring training next year. Get Doctor Andrews, Doctor ElAttrache, Doctor Jobe, Doctor Drew, Dr. Pepper, and Doc Holliday on staff just to be safe. He is the future, he is special, don’t screw it up.

Tiger Woods Divorce...Tiger Woods is officially single again. What are the odds that he is not having sex at this very moment? It’s pretty obvious that Tiger likes having sex...a lot. Well, now he is officially free to play like, well, like Tiger Woods. The way he’s played lately, sex could be his only hope. Women of Vegas, assorted porno stars, reality television bimbos, and random waffle waitresses, consider yourselves warned. Hopefully this means he can stop sulking and get back to crushing it. Also, here’s hoping his game improves.

Jay Mariotti...The ESPN regular and online columnist, Jay Mariotti, was arrested in a domestic dispute in Los Angeles. Never in my life have I seen the media take more collectvie joy in the downfall of one of their own. There was a line around the cyber-block to kick Mariotti in the teeth and dance on the grave of his soon-to-be dead career. Maybe being hated by everyone you have ever met isn’t a good way to conduct business after all.

Kenny Powers...Never in my life has a celebrity spokesperson made me actually want to purchase a product. Never. Until now. Kenny Powers makes me want to buy K-Swiss shoes. Kenny Powers makes me want to tell you to buy K-Swiss shoes. Kenny Powers makes me want to have everyone I’ve ever known to wear nothing but K-Swiss everything, until either the end of time, or the end of the K-Swiss endorsement relationship with Kenny Effing P. Best endorsement ever. Yes, I’m serious.

Albert Haynesworth...Fat Albert Haynesworth’s battle with tomato-faced, head coach Mike Shannahan continues to get better. And by better, I mean worse. Haynesworth barely got onto the field during the team's exhibition game this weekend before lashing out at the team for not respecting the seriousness of his reported health issues. (Is being horrifically out of shape and not giving a crap, a medical condition?) Head Tomato (serious Mike, you are going to have to throw on some Coppertone before you burst into flames) responded by saying, “he’s fat, he doesn’t practice, he will never play for me unless he de-fats himself, no matter what made up ailment he claims to have.” Or at least that’s what he meant. This will end badly if you are a Redskins fan and wonderfully for everyone else.

Brett Favre...He’s back, did ya’ hear? He played three plays, got sacked, laughed, smiled, and went back to the bench in an effort to get TV cameras to follow him. It worked. I am calling it right now, he is going to get crushed this season. He will blame the coach and it will get ugly. John Clayton ugly.

By Brian Beckner:

Facts on a Friday. Remember, these are not one man’s opinion, but rather indisputable, iron clad, unassailable FACTS.

Brett Favre shocked the world by coming out of retirement for at least the 47th time. At this point if you’re still a fan of Brett Favre, your name is probably Brett Favre. FACT.

Brett Favre loves him some him. FACT.

Rex Ryan’s rampant use of profanity is being questioned. Rex Ryan’s rampant use of Chips Ahoy continues to rage unchecked. FACT.

Roger Clemens is one of the dumbest guys ever. FAAAAAYYYYAAAAACT. Roger Clemens has one of the stupidest haircuts of anyone not name Kirk Hinrich.  FACT.

He is so dumb that he might legitimately use the Pedro Guerrero “I’m too stupid to be a criminal” defense in court. He is seriously that dumb. Pedro Guerrero dumb. FACT.

Kenny Chesney may or may not be canoodling (canoodling?) with a sideline reporter. FACT.

Kenny Chesney has the head of an infant attached to a 12-year-old’s body stuffed into a ten-year-old’s jeans. He also makes putrid country pop music. Despite those obvious hindrances Kenny Chesney still somehow slays women like he’s George Clooney. FACT.

'Slaying' is a great way to say 'sexing'.  FACT.

Francisco Rodriguez tore a ligament in his hand when he decided it was a good idea to speedbag his old lady’s old man. (Baby Grandpa?) The Mets think this means they won’t have to pay him. FACT. They will end up paying him anyway.  FACT.

K-Rod is a member of the most powerful union in the history of unions. Bud Selig could show up with an army of Pinkertons and K-Rod would still get paid. FACT.

LeGarrette Blount  likes to punch people in the face.  FACT. He will punch an opponent, a teammate, a coach, random strangers on the street.  FACT.

Bobby Valentine is an insufferable jackass.  FACT.

Antonio Cromartie has three 3-year olds and they are not triplets.  FACT. Antonio Cromartie had trouble remembering the names of his own children.  FACT. Antonio Cromartie went to Florida State.  FACT. Antonio Cromartie is now claiming that an HBO director told him to pause between names of his kids.  FACT. No one believes this.  FACT. Antonio Cromartie is the most compelling person in the NFL.  FACT. Antonio Cromartie is the world's worst father.  FACT. Antonio Cromartie is awesome.  FACT. Antonio Cromartie's children have no chance in life.  FACT.

Join me Thursday from 6a-9a with Chad Doing and Dwight Jaynes on Portland's 95.5 The Game's Morning Sports Page.

Special guests include:

• PGA Tour Legend - Steve Elkington - (check out his new golf social network - Secret in the Dirt )
• S.I.'s Stewart Mandel
• N.Y. Post's Joel Sherman

- Check it out!

By Brian Beckner:

Facts on a Friday. Remember, these are not one man’s opinion, but rather indisputable, iron clad, unassailable FACTS.

The PGA Championship is happening this weekend. You don’t know the difference between the Player’s Championship and the PGA Championship. FACT. No one does. FACT.

The PGA Championship is the little bitch of all the majors. FACT.

Tiger Woods pretty much sucks at golf. FACT. If he’s ever going to get better it’ll be on the backs (and fronts) of several hundred stripper/model/party girl/prostitute types. FACT.

Bubba Watson consistently drives it like 480 yards and looks like he should be selling grilled cheese sammies and Nitrous balloons at Bonnaroo. We’re rooting for him. FACT.

It’s that time of year when dorks (you’re one of them, FACT) buy a magazine at Walgreen’s and immediately become football “experts” and owners of their own “teams.” This is the lamest thing to happen to guy culture since light beer. FACT.

Nobody cares that you were able to “steal” DeSean Jackson in the third round. FACT.

If you get canned for sending 87 e-mails to your “commissioner,” you deserve it. FACT. After your termination your boss should call me so I can buy him a light beer. FACT.

The Dodgers are nearly as pathetic on the field as their ownership is in divorce court. FACT.

Jonathan Broxton is a mess due to Joe Torre riding him like a 360-pound meatball-sandwich-loving Secretariat. FACT.

Joe Torre hates Face Bellasario.  FACT.

The organization is also sour on Matt Kemp for sexing some c-list singer chick. By the time a new owner mercifully takes over the remnants of the LA Dodgers, the McCourt regime will make the FOX regime look like O’Malley regime. FACT.

At least they don’t play in Frisco. FACT.

Some guy with the very original nickname “K-Rod” put a beat down on his father-in-law in the Mets clubhouse. This would almost be excusable were this guy good at baseball. FACT. No word if he pointed to the heavens after throttling the old guy, but for the purposes of this post…FACT. Worst. Guy. Ever. FACT.

Darrelle Revis is holding out for more money. He deserves it. FACT.

The longer he holds out, the less we have to hear about how underrated he is. FACT. By the time you hear about someone being “underrated” they are already overrated. FACT. He can have my paycheck if he retires the nickname “Revis Island.” FACT. This is like the 17th most interesting story line on Hard Knocks. FACT.

Rex Ryan is among the least attractive human beings ever to live. FACT. He’s also very hungry. FACT.

People who watch the Little League World Series but don't have a friend/family member in the event or a Little League aged child in their own home should be on a government funded watch list. FACT.

Twelve year old 'boys' should not have thin wispy mustaches. FACT.

Bobby Valentine's contempt at being forced to call Little League baseball is something you can see on TV. FACT.

NEW - Travis Rodgers NOW - is available on your mobile device via Stitcher Radio. Download the free app now. Fantastic app for BlackBerry, Android, iPhone - stream the show wherever, whenever!

All of these guys are tough men who would do whatever was necessary to give their team a chance to win. The very definition of toughness, of playing through pain, of sacrificing for a greater goal. And in comparison to Vladimir Ladyzhenskiy, they are all soccer players.

Vlad Lad, as I like to call him, made the ultimate sacrifice. He died while competing. Vladimir Ladyzhenskiy died in the finals of the Sauna World Championships in Heinola, Finland in front of approximately 1,000 spectators. DEAD.

Quick aside: There are spectators at this thing? People go to watch other guys sit and sweat? That has fans? No wonder everyone in Scandinavia wants to kill themselves. If watching guys sit in a hot room is a spectator sport, give me a length of hose and running engine.

Vlad Lad and Timo Kaukonen were locked in a battle in the finals when both men had to be forcibly removed from the 230 degree room. Yep, 230 degrees.

That’s commitment. You are in a furnace, the air around you is hot enough to boil water, but you aren’t coming out. The old cliche “I’d rather die than lose” was more than just a saying for Vlad. It was a game plan. That’s commitment. That’s toughness. Maybe Bob Gibson's leg was in three pieces, but it wasn’t 230 degrees on the mound. Maybe Tiger had to go to the doctor after the final round of the US Open, but they didn’t toss his body into a plastic bag afterward. DEAD.

Let this be the last time that any play-by-play men, or columnists use the phrase ‘he left it all out on the field’ because it simply isn’t true. Unless they are planting trees in your memory after the game, you didn’t give it your all, like Vlad Lad did.

He was so committed to being the very best at sitting in a hot room and doing nothing, that he died in an attempt to win the crown. The fire department has never had to come onto the field and take Peyton Manning off the field. The coroner never came to the Lakers locker room after an NBA championship game and stuff Kobe Bryant into a body bag.

Toughness (and stupidity) has a new name, and it’s name is Vlad Lad.

She is going to go to jail. FACT

Louisville athletic director, Tom Jurich says that he will not discipline Pitino and that Pitino continues to be a ‘grand ambassador’ to the city of Louisville. FACT.

Rick Pitino describing his 15-second intercourse session with Sypher ‘unfortunate’ is one of the unintentionally funny adjectives to describe sex ever. FACT.

Unfortunate? For who? Her? I know who it wasn’t unfortunate for; everyone not in your family or hers. For the rest of us it was extremely fortunate. We were fortunate enough to have hard evidence that you are the greaseball that has long been alleged.

Sypher’s son, Jacob Wise, hit prosecutors with a ‘Thanks for taking my mother away, guys” as they left the courtroom. Uh, let me help you out here Jake. While I am sure it wasn’t fun to see your mom get convicted of, you know, felonies and all that, they didn’t take her away.

She tried to extort millions of dollars from a guy. That’s not cool. Pitino may be an immoral scumbag, but it’s still extortion. She got herself taken away.

So much for the dog days of summer and nothing good happening in sports. Not in 2010. World Cup, marathon tennis matches, Favre in his Crocs, Haynesworth, and this. Best summer ever.

We were joined by guests Mike Jorgensen, the former Duck quarterback turned analyst, LA Times college football writer Chris Dufrense (Twitter), and best selling author John Feinstein (Blog).

Topics ranged from Jeremiah Masoli's image rehabilitation to the Pac-10's inevitable realignment and why LeBron James likes naked girls and much, much more.

A very heartfelt 'thank you' to the guests and to Chad and Dwight for letting the nickname-less intruder from southern California crash the party.

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