Not the least bit awkward.

Tiger Woods has announced that he is not going to play an event before the Masters, ending speculation that he might make his 2010 debut at the IMG controlled Arnold Palmer Invitational.

At least that is a Tiger with balls would have handled it. Instead, "Team Tiger" had another one of their leaks, and a ‘person with knowledge of his schedule’ says that he will not play an event before the Masters.

Classic Woods. He really thinks everyone is stupid, doesn’t he? The guy can go underground for three months, with not one photo, not one report about where he is or what he is doing, but all of a sudden, ‘people who know his schedule’ are talking off the record? OK.

If he wanted his next event to remain a mystery, it would. It’s that simple. It is another Tiger trial balloon, sent out to gauge reaction.

If true, if he does return at Augusta in a few weeks, it seems appropriate. The old coots at that club get off on being exclusionary, being secretive, and they are going to lock down the credential process as well as anyone. I am sure a few freaks will work their way into a press badge, or into the gallery, but Augusta National might be the safest, and most tame place for him to come back to competitive golf.

To answer the next question, yes, he could win. The odds might not be great, but they aren’t that long either. He’s still Tiger Woods. While he might not be the guy he was pre-sex addicition, he is still the best player in the world. I guarantee he will show up with his game as sharp as possible. You really think he needs to go kick Geoff Ogilvy’s ass or tell Rickie Fowler how stupid his pants are for him to win the Masters?

He doesn’t. He knows pressure, he knows how to deal with it, (at least the kind away from the course) and he will be fine.

Nice to see that his time away from golf was so extensive and that he took care of all the family issues first. I am glad he is playing, but who does he think he’s kidding. He put his marriage back together in the last three weeks and is ready to go? It just happens to be right before the Masters? How convenient.

The one thing he said during his televised press release was that he wouldn’t play golf until things were right. He implied he would give up majors to fix his marriage and family life. So much for that.

He’s a coward; he’s still all about himself; he still thinks he can do whatever he wants; and he will be in the mix for the Masters.

Enjoy the Masters and say hello to Canadian HGH peddler, Dr. Galea the next time he treats you for a sore knee.

Classy ladies, very classy.

By Brian Beckner:

In the greatest moment of the Tiger Woods saga so far, Howard Stern hosted a beauty pageant between three of the alleged (confirmed?) mistresses. And to no one’s surprise - except for maybe the other Jaimee - a Jamie took the big prize. Note to prospective parents: add all variations of “Jamie” to the list of once acceptable names now certain to lead your daughter to a career involving floor-to-ceiling brass poles. See also: Jenna, Savannah and any of the Brittanys. But congratulations to Jamie Jungers on her impressive victory, and let’s see what we learned.

Jamie Jungers, Las Vegas Club Hostess and eventual winner, said that Tiger was into British Open style “rough sex” and also had a longing to, uh, get up and down from the bunker? A request that Jungers politely declined. She also said that despite a marriage, children and $1 billion or so in the bank, Tiger prefers his sex rubberless. As if that didn’t say “classy,” Tiger also made sure Jungers, who he called his “little coffee cup” and “Jamie Juices,” always had a ticket on the Greyhound of the skies Southwest Airlines en route to their liaisons. And as if being gifted history’s greatest golfer wasn’t enough, Woods also packs a long (and girthy) iron which he wasn’t afraid to pull out of his bag even on the night that his father died.

Loredana Jolie, Escort, was apparently confused about the fact that she was an escort. See, she was paid to “date” Tiger, which meets the definition of “escort” rather exactly. Jolie who also had relations with Bruce Willis and Michael Jordan said that Tiger Woods was without a doubt the leader in the clubhouse when it came to length off the tee. Sorry, Mike. She also mentioned that Tiger creepily enjoyed dressing in a business suit while directing multiple couples into various states of sexual congress. Perfectly normal. Ms. Jolie’s big reveal was that Eldrick attempted to coax her into, uh, raking his bunker using the patented “push the head down” technique. Again, no dice. Pretty sure Hank Haney didn’t teach him that one.

Jamie Grubbs, star of VH1’s Tool Academy, (Editorial note: please let his be the last we ever hear from this parasite) claimed not to be aware (at least at first) of Tiger’s marital status. Although this seems like a lofty claim, this chick was such a dim bulb that nothing is impossible. The big reveal from Grubbs was that Tiger’s unsheathed “rescue club” was not of the oversize variety. Of course she probably also thinks Greg Oden is below average and Tommy Lee leaves a lot to be desired.

Of everything these girls had to say about the world’s greatest golfer, the most damning testimony of all was Tiger’s proclivity for stiffing service workers. Dude doesn’t tip. Is there anything worse? Tiger could behead puppies at Amen Corner and it would be forgiven sooner than failing to float the valet a sawbuck. Tiger Woods, great golfer, average adulterer, world champion tightwad

Congratulations girls. Now please, go away.

Your 2010 World Series Champion will come from here.

By Brian Beckner:

Spring training baseball is popping off and while there are literally only three or four teams that even have a remote opportunity to win the World Series, it’s fun to acquiesce to delusion and preview them all as though they do in fact have a chance.

Who doesn’t love the AL East? It’s the Evil Empire, the slightly less Evil Empire, the harmless Canadian buddy, a sleepy retirement community and Jim Palmer’s tighty whiteys. It’s the AL East and it’s on TV every night.

New York Yankees - Let the Derek Jeter hero worship commence. Like it ever stopped? After all, even in the season where he will crest the midpoint of his thirties, he’s still probably the second best shortstop on his own team. But hey, he’s a true Yankee. Jeter is actually coming off of one of the best seasons of his career and the Yankees once again are loaded for a World Series run. A $200 million payroll will do that for you. They also have Alex Rodriguez who mashed the bombers through the playoffs last year despite being afflicted with a condition that causes his skin to turn an odd shade of tangerine. Satchel Paige supposedly pitched until he was 60. Big deal, Mariano Rivera’s decomposing skeleton is still throwing that cutter.

MVPs, skeletons, and underbites.

Boston Red Sox - Does anyone remember those lovable losers that couldn’t overcome the bad luck associated with trading away Babe Ruth? Well those guys died in 2004 and now they’ve been reincarnated as the Yankees only with more obnoxious accents. At what point did ESPN turn every summer into the Red Sox vs. Yankees show? Why don’t those two teams play anyone else? It’s like ESPN is running Sophie’s Choice on a loop, but in this version the viewers are begging to send both teams away. David Ortiz is very fat which would be cool if he could still hit baseballs past second base. Luckily the Sox bolstered their pitching staff with the monstrous under bite of John Lackey. Unfortunately he’s pitching to Teixeira and Rodriguez every night.

Tampa Bay Rays - Here’s a funny joke: the Rays went to the World Series. Ha! No seriously, it was like two years ago. Remember, they play in that horrible blimp hangar? Did the architect have the good sense take his own life after Tropicana Field was erected? Doesn’t “field” connote that presence of something that actually occurs in nature? The Astrodome thinks that is an unfortunate place to play baseball. At least the Rays’ crowd is young. All you need to go to a game at the Trop is a birthdate from the 1930's, extensive osteoporosis, and a walker with tennis balls on the ends. The best thing about the Rays, besides playing home games in God’s waiting room, is Long Beach State product and perennial MVP candidate Evan Longoria. Longoria, besides being incredibly well-educated, is an absolute monster at the dish and his presence in the line-up gives the Rays at least a glimmer of hope. Oh, and their manager has cool glasses.

Toronto Blue Jays - Is this seriously a Major League Baseball team? And it’s in Canada? How’s Kelly Gruber looking this spring? Is Rance Mulliniks swinging a hot bat? Is anyone currently having sex in the Sky Dome hotel? Go Leafs.

Baltimore Orioles - Has anyone heard from this team since season five of the Wire? How’s that consecutive game streak going? Can we get another one started so we don’t have to watch Zombie Cal Ripken monotone his way through the TBS post-season studio show again?

Next Big Thing.

I’m not a spring training guy. For a number of reasons, really. I have never been one of the “baseball is a metaphor for life” guys. The whole “rebirth and renewal” angel has never worked on me. It’s baseball, and baseball is good enough for me. Assuming of course the games are actually competitive, and competitive spring training baseball rarely happens.

As bad as the life and death metaphors may be, they are better than the ‘Player A might be the greatest player since Sandy Koufax, Mickey Mantle or Babe Ruth’. Uh, probably not. Punching out a bunch of guys who will never sniff the major leagues, or veterans just trying to get their swings in, isn’t the same as striking guys out when they are keeping score for real.

Meet Reds' pitcher Aroldis Chapman and Nats' (yes, they still exist) pitcher Stephen Strasburg. Both have been impressive in their spring debuts. Both have been made out to be the second coming of Nolan Ryan and Randy Johnson.

Also, the Next Big Thing

Tigers' manager Jim Leyland on Strasburg:

"A lot of guys now are throwing 96, 97, but not many of them have that kind of breaking ball to go with it," Leyland said. "He's a very gifted young man, no question about that."

Royals manager Trey Hillman on Chapman:

"It sounded like he was throwing real hard. I couldn't see it," Royals manager Trey Hillman said, laughing. "He gets it up there. I'm not sure I've ever seen a longer stride. It looked like he was going to run out of mound."

Potential? Sure. 20-game winners? Maybe someday. But until they actually get someone out who isn’t trying to make the team or to get their swing in shape, I am going to withhold my enthusiasm.

Some guy who no one is even paying attention to is going to be the next 10-time All-Star, some guy that is scrapping to make a team is the ‘next big thing’. Every season there is one of those guys. Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Todd Van Poppel. The high school coaching ranks are filled with guys that were going to be the next Pedro Martinez.

But if you remember, Martinez was a guy who no one knew about, a guy buried in the Dodgers' bullpen before GM Fred Claire went brain dead and traded him for Delino DeShields. Maybe Chapman and Strasburg will become great pitchers, but until they actually do something that matters, maybe we should wait on carving their HOF busts.

Um, who signed off on this?

Two-time batting champion, 1997 American League Rookie of the Year, and six time All-Star, Nomar Garciaparra announced his retirement from baseball after a 14-year career.

He announced his retirement after signing a one day minor league deal with The Red Sox, which allows him to retire as a member of the Red Sox. He will now go to work for ESPN as a baseball analyst, because that’s what they need, more people to talk about the Red Sox and Yankees. Good thing they snapped him up.

Has Nomar Garciaparra ever publicly said anything interesting to anyone? If he did, I missed it. Nomar will make you long for the days of Eduardo Perez and Fernando Vina. ESPN? Really? I don’t think Mark Grace is worried about being usurped as the most glib guy in baseball by Nomar Garciaparra.

Maybe Nomar can give us insight into other ballplayers with OCD. He can break down the intricacies of strapping and re-strapping you batting gloves 45 times between each pitch, or obsessively touching your wrist bands. We need to know more about that.

Why he felt it necessary to retire as a member of the Sox is a mystery to me. Last memory I have of Garciaparra as a member of that team was him sitting on the bench, by himself, while his teammates were locked in a fierce battle with the Yankees. His teammates didn’t seem all that busted up about him getting shipped out; always the most telling response to any player leaving a team. The Red Sox won a couple of titles after he left.

This is who you retired with. Case closed.

He was good, but let’s not be naive. He was most effective while the steroid age was in full bloom. He got huge, he broke down, and once testing started, he was never a top player ever again. Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe it wasn’t. It wasn’t. Go ask Eric Gagne.

A very good player, whose best years were in the middle of baseball's golden age for PEDs, and who was mildly popular with his teammates at best.

And don’t even start with the ‘Nomar is a Hall of Famer’ nonsense. His wife, yes. Him, no way.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I'm Alex Rodriguez.

Spring has sprung, and aside from flowers, rain and all that, spring means baseball. Old guys making bad analogies about re-birth, the life cycle and snow covered driveways. And baseball means Yankee minutiae, A-Rod and PED scandals.

Dr. Anthony Galea, the Canadian doctor who is a HGH user and doctor to several elite athletes including A-Rod, Tiger Woods, Carlos Beltran and others, claims that the HGH found in his medical bag during a border crossing was for personal use only and that he has never given athletes the drug.

Right.

The Yankees say that they never authorized Galea to treat Rodriguez. Yeah, I would think the team is probably not in the business of having their players, especially ones who are confessed PED cheats, work with doctors who tout the benefits of HGH use.

Galea says that he only treated Rodriguez with anti-inflammatory drugs. Sure. Whatever you say. You are being investigated by both Canadian and American authorities, you work with a guy who is a drug cheat (Rodriguez), you work with another guy who looks like an NFL safety instead of a PGA Tour player (Woods), but all you do is spin blood and pass out Advil. Why would anyone think differently?

Galea, some dude from Canada, is the only doc capable of treating these world class athletes? Not one guy in the entire US of A could prescribe A-Rod his Motrin? OK, if he says so.

This is bad for A-Rod, but much worse for Woods. We already know that A-Rod is a fraudulent player. He used PEDs, he confessed to using them after being cornered by a reporter, and anything he says is automatically suspect. Once a liar, always a liar.

Tiger never lies.

Woods went out of his way to deny steroid use during his press release, which was odd at the time, and gets more strange by the day. I thought you were there to talk about your pants always being off, not your alleged PED use. Anytime someone goes out of their way to deny something like that, it always makes me more suspicious. See: Clemens, Roger.

Galea is obviously more than what he claims. The list of celebrity athlete doctors is long and distinguished, guys like Dr. James Andrews, Dr. Frank Jobe, and many many others; men who have solid reputations and no hint of scandal or illegal drug use. But Dr. Galea is getting access to some of the world’s best athletes because he prescribes anti-inflammatory drugs.

If you believe that, then you probably also believe that A-Rod only used roids in Texas and that Tiger really was sincere at his press conference.

Joke.

Stephen A. Smith, of the Philadelphia Inquirer, wrote that according to people he has spoken to, Iverson "will either drink himself into oblivion or gamble his life away." That’s not good.

Iverson acknowledged that he was having a hard time, writing a series of tweets about his life...

"To my fans: You all know that my life isn't perfect. I am going through some very tough times right now, like I am sure that we all do from time to time," Iverson wrote. "However, I will stand tall like always with 'rhino' thick skin."

Iverson has had a disastrous season on the floor, and has been banned from several casinos. What do you have to do to get banned from a casino? I'm dying to know. There are also rumors that Iverson, who has made $153 million according to Basketballreference.com, is nearly busted financially.

So, with all the problems, all the reckless behavior, why do I have sympathy for the guy? Why am I pulling for the guy? If it were Kobe Bryant, I would be throwing a "Kobe's broke, let's celebrate party'. How does anyone have anything other than contempt for a guy who pisses away $153+ million? Short answer is, I don’t know. But I do.

Iverson is fascinating to me. He never once pretended to be anything other than what he was. A tough, uncompromising, street kid who was going to do it his way, and if you didn’t like it, you could go to hell. He didn’t practice, he thought he was above the rules of the team (he was), and then he went out in a game of giants, as a small man, and dominated.

Firing through $153+ million is inexcusable. That fortune should have been used to set up the Iverson clan for the rest of human existence, not left in casino coffers or at the bottom of a bottle of Cristal or whatever his drink of choice was.

But unlike so many other knuckleheads who wasted huge stacks of money (Antoine Walker, MC Hammer, John Daly), I don’t get angry when I think of Iverson’s failure. I get sad.

I don’t know why I hope he makes it out of this mess, a mess that he seems to have created all by himself, but I do. I was appalled by the way he lived his life, the choices he made, his attitude towards authority, and the ungodly amount of cash he wasted. I am fascinated that he is as uncompromising as he is and probably always will be. In a word, Iverson is authentic. Unlike Rodman, who was just trying to shock and make a buck, or Kobe Bryant who changes his persona as often as Tiger Woods changed his cell number, Iverson was true to himself from the beginning. A hard nosed guy with neck tatts, who truly doesn't give a damn what you, I, or anyone else thinks about his life.

Anyone who has the courage (stupidty?) to say “screw you, I am doing it my way, and my way includes losing $153 million’ is someone I can’t root against.

I don’t want the guy to manage my stock portfolio, or run a Laundromat for that matter, but I hope he comes out of this mess in one piece.

Almost there.

By Brian Beckner:

Antonio Cromartie is a freak of nature, and no I’m not talking about athletically. Although, his reproductive achievements do demonstrate a certain athleticism, I mean, he clearly has an off-the-charts testosterone level. Under a microscope this guy’s sperm must look like millions of tiny little Jim Thorpes. His testes must be teaming with an army of Bruce Jenners, the gold medal decathlete not the aging lesbian. Rumor has it that Cromartie’s ejaculate will soon be featured on a Wheaties box.

By now everyone knows that Cromartie has lots of children. Lots. And lots of exes via whom those children were gestated. Let’s recap, it’s easy really. Three numbers: seven, six and five. Seven kids by six chicks in five different states. Oh, and he’s not even 26-years-old. That 109 yard interception return looks pretty mundane considering all the completions he has the bedroom. That has to qualify him for immediate induction into the procreative Hall of Fame. Reached for comment, Pope Benedict said it was probably time to think about utilizing a condom. Single celled organisms are jealous of this guy’s reproductive abilities.

Now comes word that Cromartie needed a salary advance from the Jets in order to cover some of the child support he owes. That’ll happen when you’re spreading seed faster than Monsanto.

From the NFL Network:

The Jets are converting part of Cromartie’s $1.7 million salary for 2010 into a bonus (roughly $500,000), which he would receive now, rather than waiting until September, when players begin to receive their game checks.

Which one are you again?

All of this comes after a season in which he intercepted a total of three passes, demonstrated a complete inability to wrap up - on or off of the field - and was alleged to have gone headhunting with a champagne bottle in a San Diego bar. Champagne? Are you an NFL player or the new chick on Sex and the City? Was it New Year’s Eve? Were they all out of Apple Pucker? Is there a shortage of bourbon in San Diego? Wasn’t there at least one male-approved beverage on the menu?

Antonio, your earning potential is limited. The average NFL career is over before it begins. You have already made it your mission to single-handedly repopulate the planet by fathering a scant seven children by age 25. You are allegedly cracking skulls with weaponized sparkling wine, and your performance on the football field has been lackluster at best.

Here’s a list of things to do in the near future:

1. Hire a financial planner

2. Play football better

3. Buy lots of condoms

Oh, and think about switching to light beer, at this point it could only help your image.

By Brian Beckner:

Spring training baseball is popping off and while there are literally only three or four teams that even have a remote opportunity to win the World Series, it’s fun to acquiesce to delusion and preview them all as though they do in fact have a chance.

Has anyone noticed that this division has only four teams? And one of those is Texas?

Los Angeles Angels – No matter what they say the Angels have an LA inferiority complex. And now despite the fact that the Angels are a better organization with a better owner, and a strong manager (and legendary Dodger) they still find themselves toiling in perpetual second fiddledom, which is either pathetic or hilarious depending on your perspective. This year they signed Hideki Matsui because while they trail the Dodgers in every measure of success, no team can touch them in the DH with the most unsightly earlobes contest. The Angels are trying to retool on the fly after losing John Lackey, Chone Figgins and Grandpa Vlad in the off-season. Despite a lackluster off-season the Angels still probably have the personnel to contend for a pennant. And while Mike Scioscia is a great leader, as a Dodger he could actually fit into a jersey.

Texas Rangers – The Rangers, as usual, can’t pitch. Of course, who could in the 800 degree Texas heat? What they can do, what they can always do, is hit. This year they signed Vladimir Guerrero who moves like a wounded zebra but still occasionally hits balls 500 feet. Does 80 pounds of pine tar actually improve bat speed? Are the Rangers going to win the World Series? No. Are the Rangers going to win the AL West? No. Are the Rangers going to start the season with a shortstop named Elvis? Hell yes.

Seattle Mariners – The Mariners started the off-season with the gift of Kenji Johjima walking away from a $16 million guarantee. Of course fresh from that windfall they immediately guaranteed someone called Chone Figgins $36 million. You know it was a weak free agent class when Chone Figgins is considered a prize. On a side note: doesn’t Chone Figgins sound like an old-school social disease? “How was your trip to the Philippines?” “It was great, but I picked up a wicked case of the chone figgins!” In what has to be considered the boldest move of the off-season, the Mariners snatched up Cliff Lee when the Phillies upgraded to Roy Halladay. Lee coupled with Felix Hernandez gives the Mariners a scary left-right combination that immediately makes them pennant contenders, assuming no one comes down with a case of chone figgins.

Oakland Athletics – Apparently “Moneyball” means fielding a team with like three players anyone has heard of. That’s assuming you’ve heard of Jack Cust? He’s the one with all the strike outs. The A’s unfortunately play in an antiquated football stadium and no amount of on base percentage can fix a team without any revenue. Billy Beane, whatever you think of his philosophy, continues to do a lot with a little. But really who wouldn’t look good in comparison to the other dopes currently pulling checks as MLB GMs? Beane’s rabbit in the hat this season is some dude that used to be Ben Sheets. Beane gambled on damaged goods no doubt thinking he’ll be able to spin him into a couple of prospects mid-season. For Beane’s sake let’s hope Sheets returns to form, because let’s face it the next Scott Hatteberg is not walking through that door.

Hey, it's Tiger, I need you to do me a huge favor.

Put Mark Calcavecchia at the front of the line on guys that Tiger will never speak to again.

Calcavecchia is the first person to go on the record saying that Tiger was acting strangely before he turned from ‘world’s greatest athlete’ into ‘TMZ target #1’.

From Golf.com:

"I didn't really think about it, but in the course of last year he changed his number five times," says Tiger's one-time texting buddy Mark Calcavecchia. "The last time he did, I said, 'Man, you change phone numbers more than I change underwear.'"

Nice knowing you Calc. We all know that Tiger is so forgiving. He will let that one slide, I’m sure. Tiger always likes it when people make him look bad. That’s why he has so many close friends on tour, because that is the sort of guy that he is.

Calcavecchia continued...

"I did know of a girl he was seeing in Phoenix," he says. "But I didn't know the time frame. I didn't know if it was before or after he was married that he was with her. I knew it was close. It was 2004 sometime. I didn't think much of it then..."

Perfect. I don’t think Tiger will be hitting you back with any more texts Calc. Tiger holds grudges from grade school, but you clowning him for changing his number and maybe for having a side woman in Phoenix should go over very well. I'm sure he’s laughing right now.

Golfers are athletes.

You wonder if this is how it is going to go from here in relation to Tiger and his fellow pros. Are they going to start saying, ‘you know, now that I think about it, the fact that he was in Vegas every other weekend was kind of weird. I always thought it was kind of strange that he liked to watch Tool Academy alone. Makes a lot more sense now.’

Trust me, Tiger learned the cell phone dance. He isn’t going to have to change his number anymore. I am sure he is going to show up at all Tour events with a bandolier full of cell phones strung across his shoulders. One for Elin, one for his agent, one for his friends, and one for , uh you know, other friends.

Tiger isn’t stupid. He isn’t going to three putt the cell phone trap again.