Is your name on the Ashley Madison dump?  Chances are, you probably already know, but just in case you didn’t, there are a number of sites where you can find out, such as Have I Been Pwned.

Now that we have established that indeed you (or your account) can be found there, have you figured what you are going to say to those that are close to you? Your employer? Your neighbor? Your car mechanic? Are you in need of some help? Well, Dr. John McAfee has selected the ten best alibis in existence.

So pull up a seat, jot these babies down and witness the power of “The Doctor”.
* Sorted in no particular order

Your Top Ten Ashley Madison Alibis:

1. I left my email open at work and someone played a joke on me.
2. I’m a high profile individual and everyone has my email address.  This was done by someone trying to discredit me.
3. I have no fucking clue. All I know is that I love you and would never cheat on you.
4. Fucking hackers!!!!
5. It was my ex-wife doing what she always does.
6. (If you are in the computer security field) – It was part of an ongoing investigation into how Ashley Madison has been defrauding Governments out of tax income.  I wish I could tell you more.
7. I thought I was logging on to the Ashley Furniture Store to buy us that new Love Seat.
8. I thought I was logging on to the Madison Designer clothes store in Los Angeles. That’s where those new shoes I bought you came from.
9. Just hang in with me for a while.  It will all become clear.
10. Why were YOU on Ashley Madison?

Face the Facts

I’m afraid it’s time to face the facts:  Whoever was on Ashley Madison, your name is close to being revealed. How you respond to the accusations may determine the future course of your life and your career.  We at McAfee Central want the most beneficent outcomes from the revelations.  It is in our interests, and in the interests of society — and in your interests.  The above canned answers may work for some of you.

Time for some free advice

For others, it may be slightly more complex, or more subtle.  We are offering, for the next two days, free advice to upcoming revelationers, on how to handle your Ashley Madison Account once it has been revealed. There is no charge for this advice. We consider it our community duty.  It comes from nearly seventy years of experience in dealing with affairs of the heart and we promise you will not be disappointed.

One Last Note

Prior to contacting us, however, we feel that, in your interests, you should ask yourself whether:

1. You feel certain that you want to continue in the relationship that you are trying to save.
2. That you understand your own needs, wants, and desires well enough to answer question One correctly.
3. That you understand the nature of human kind well enough to not expect your significant other to display the same traits you have just displayed in your own behavior.

Let’s talk – This May Be Your Best Hope

If you fully understand the above, then contact us at: McAfeeAdvice@gmail.com You will not be disappointed. The Hotline is open.

Denouement

This is my last AM article. I’m moving on to a different subject.  I will leave you with the following thoughts:

There were 27.5 million men in the Ashley Madison data dump, and 4.5 million women – a greater than 6 men to one woman ratio.  It should be clear that few men on the AM site actually hooked up with a woman.  This is tragic considering the price, in terms of life impact, paid by the members.  Yet this 6:1 ratio is fairly standard for the on-line dating world. For those of my readers who chastised me for my gender generalizations, here is one more you may use.

About Ashley Madison

In July 2015, the infidelity website Ashley Madison suffered a major data breach. The mysterious ‘hackers’ behind the attack put out a threat to Avid Life Media, Inc., the parent company of Ashley Madison: shut the service down or face full disclosure of the breach. As that month passed, that promise was fulfilled. A full dump of their database and other miscellaneous information was made available.

Within it, more than 37 million unique email addresses. Among the compromised data: Addresses, Dates of birth, Email addresses, Ethnicities, Genders, Names, Passwords, Payment histories, Phone numbers, Security questions, Sexual preferences, Usernames, Website activity.

Check if you have an account that has been compromised in a data breach:

Important notice regarding the Ashley Madison data: only those who have subscribed for notifications and verified their email address will be able to discover if they were in the breach due to the sensitivity of the data. You can read more about the rationale of this approach here.
In fact, you can find your info within the released breach information for against many sites. Here is that very shameful top 10 breaches which are searchable here:

1. 152,445,165 Adobe accounts
2. 30,636,380 Ashley Madison accounts
3. 4,821,262 mail.ru Dump accounts
4. 4,789,599 Bitcoin Security Forum Gmail Dump accounts
5. 4,609,615 Snapchat accounts
6. 3,867,997 Adult Friend Finder accounts
7. 3,474,763 Спрашивай.ру accounts
8. 2,983,472 XSplit accounts
9. 1,327,567 YouPorn accounts
10. 1,247,574 Gawker accounts

* Many thanks to the work of Troy Hunt who has put together this tremendous resource for all.

Photo Credit: Katie Tegt Meyer, Thegajman