As I write this, I have just finished watching MS keynote from CES 2010, and wow, am I depressed.  In fact, I didn’t even see all of it because of a technical problem, and I’m still bummed.

Right of the bat, let me say I am a Microsoft fan.  I’ve been a windows user since 1993, I’m a Microsoft Certified Professional, and I even like Steve Ballmer.  As I mentioned in my 2010 predictions post, I find him endearing. I’d love to go to a ballgame or something with the guy.  He seems to me to be a good man with an impossible job, and is trying to do the best he can.  This isn’t to say that I don’t think his judgment is off sometimes, but I’m still a “booster”, so to speak.

All that being said, Microsoft and Ballmer still blew it. It was a complete trainwreck, and you better believe I will sweat the small stuff.

We all saw the weak attempt at comedy when they ran the short video done by What’s-His-Face from SNL, in which he “thanked” technology for embarrassing him in numerous ways at the speed of light.  Nobody in the hall laughed, because every one of the gags hit way too close to home.  All of us geeks have already done some of (if not all) of the stupid things depicted in the video, and most of us don’t like to be reminded of our occasional bouts with bad judgment.   Huge fail.

But, I’m not here to do a movie review.

I’m here to talk about how the beleaguered Steve Ballmer again dropped the ball.  As much as it pains me, here we go.

First of all, who wears a sweater to Vegas?  Steve Ballmer is a self-made billionaire, and the products his company produces essentially run the planet Earth.  You have earned the right to be cool, Steve.  Put a spiffy suit on, or better yet, just show up in shorts and a T-shirt. You’re Steve Freakin’ Ballmer.  You could pull the ultra-casual look off because you have nothing to prove.  You don’t have to slight anybody, but you can act like you’ve been there before.

At the same time however, a little passion would have been nice, too.  That whole “Developers” rant that everybody makes fun of?  Yeah, it’s goofy, but seriously, who wouldn’t want to love their job that much?  How many of us love our jobs that much?  Not many I can guarantee you that.

Get out there and go nuts, Steve.  If you show passion, your employees will follow you through fire, and while all of the egghead punditry is laughing at you, you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.

Secondly, enough with the Windows 7 launch rehashes.  Look, Windows 7 is a kick ass product. We all know it.  The sales numbers prove it.  Win7 outsold Vista by 234% in its opening weeks, outsold Harry Potter, according to Amazon.com figures, and grabbed market lead over all versions of OS X combined.

In short, the “I’m a PC” crowd (the dominant crowd, mind you) already knows that Windows 7 is one giant box of badass.  We get it. So please stop telling us what hardware we can get it on, because we we’ve been into it like the 11-year old who found a stash of Playboys.  We’re sold.  Show us something new, and I don’t mean “Bing! Bing! Bing!” Okay?

I also don’t need you to tell me about X-Box games all that much. I realize that that this kind of thing is in fact a good portion of CES, but at the same time, we all have the Internet, so we’ve already read insider blogs and seen trailers.  That’s really enough.  Here’s an idea. How about offering a redesigned 360 at an even lower price?   Because even though the X-Box 360 is an outstanding entertainment console, it’s unacceptably high failure rate proves that it was designed by a team, of feces throwing monkeys.

I’ve built a few computers in my day (don’t kid yourself, a 360 is a PC more or less), and what I can tell you is that when you put that much “oomph” in a box that small, the thing is going to melt on you.  Heat kills, Steve.  Heat kills.  Make it bigger. It’ll fix things right up, and I’m willing to bet that a redesign costs a hell of a lot less than that $3 billion warranty extension you did a while back.  Listen to the words a-comin’ out of my mouth.

So, What Then?

So, after all of this, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “Well Art, what should this presentation have been about then?”

That’s easy.  The whole thing should have been about Project Natal, especially since they gave a launch timeframe of “holidays 2010”.  That’s eleven months from now, and it will pass before you can blink.  You also know that means they have a moderately working prototype.  It may still look ugly, but you can bet it’s functional, so why not belly up to the bar on it?

Essentially, this is what Ballmer should have done:

“You know us. You know Microsoft. We’re the company that gave you the most widely accepted operating system of all time.  Not only that, we also gave you the greatest gaming console of all time, in the X-Box 360.  Not only are we working with partners on new, fun and innovative software titles, we want you to know that we’ve heard your call. Not only are we going to be streamlining the 360 for increased reliability, it will allow us to offer  the new model at an even lower price, which would certainly be welcome in today’s economic times.  But, that’s not all. No, no, no.  We at Microsoft know you expect more from us.  So today, I Came to CES to tell you that by the end of this year, Microsoft will be making your gaming experience even better.  I give you Project Natal!”

Then, instead of showing some lame old movie, Ballmer rolls the beast out there, and lets the project heads talk about it and demo if for a bit.  Then when that’s all done, bring a couple people up from the crowd to try it out.  This could have, and should have been done.  Who cares if the whole thing only lasts ten minutes? It’s better than an hour of the same old crap.  Leave them wanting more.  That kind of presentation would have been illustrative of the command presence in the industry that Microsoft actually has.  The kind of presence that for whatever reason, Ballmer finds himself unable to convey.

If Steve Ballmer actually presented like that, he might actually be able to say, “I’m Steve Ballmer, and you’re not” without making it a punchline.  I, for one, think that would be pretty cool.