Once again, social media has thrown me a wicked curveball, and here I am standing at the plate, completely befuddled.

Get this:

There’s a Facebook movie coming out! I’m not kidding! There’s an honest-to-God full length feature film coming out about that introverted mute Mark Zuckerberg and that piece of “technology” that has allowed all of us to befriend people we’ve never even spoken to. Glory be!

Now, before you say “Damn, Art, you’re a moron. We all knew a Facebook movie was coming out. Why does that have you stunned?”

No. That’s not it at all. What I don’t get is why the social media dweebs aren’t all aflutter over this thing. I’ve only found five or six articles, and the only thing anybody seems to be saying is that it has been cast by Aaron Sorkin. Are you kidding me? Even Mashable’s Pete Cashmore, who spends his days trying on shiny sport coats, compiling lists of the ” ____-est tweets ever”, and not shaving, only managed a couple hundred words or so. Blasphemy!

This boggles my mind. I was sure that web-dopes the world over would see this film as their shot at legitimacy and go hog wild, but no! Where is my inside gossip? Where are my on-set romances? For the love of God, where are my stolen scripts, damn you? What’s wrong with you people? Usually, all you do is sit in your little social media fishbowl and stroke each other’s egos anyway. Now you’re all finally getting your big shot to come out of the server closet and you’re suddenly very tight lipped. Who would have seen that coming, really?

About the only thing I can think of is that deep down inside, a lot of social media people know that they are indeed fish, and they wouldn’t survive outside the fishbowl. What if people outside of the fishbowl really don’t care at all? What if the  only person that goes to see the movie is Mark Zukerberg’s mom? Maybe that’s what the social media magnates want. Maybe they can keep this movie under the radar, and continue pretending to be cool and innovative. After all, if a bear takes a dump in the woods, and nobody is there to smell it, did it actually happen?

Author’s note: No, Facebook isn’t innovative. Facebook is just a modern version of a BBS, which is something a lot of people used in the 80’s and 90’s. Look it up, n00bs. The only difference is that Facebook was designed for people who don’t really know how to use computers. You know, kind of like a Macintosh, but free.

Okay, now that we’ve decided that media is trying to bury this movie in an effort to maintain the industry’s ruse, I would like to offer a few thoughts on the film itself before I go:

I wonder if Jesse Eisenberg’s (the actor portraying Zuckerberg) lines will be subtitled?

This movie has already been done. Go find a copy of Pirates of Silicon Valley. Imagine Anthony Michael Hall with red hair, and watch the first half. I guarantee that it’s the same movie.

If Aaron Sorkin is involved, that means that a lot of the movie will have scenes of the main characters walking briskly through hallways and speaking in short, clipped sentences.

Justin Timberlake is in this movie, proving his career peaked with “Dick in a Box.”

It has been reported that some students of Johns Hopkins University are upset that the movie is being filmed there. I can understand that. Johns Hopkins is a renowned institution. It has a top-notch medical school. According to the website Pulse2 and JHU student Diego Ardila, “It feels degrading somehow.”

Gosh, I wonder why? Maybe because JHU trains doctors, and it’s having to make accommodations so we can be told the story of the guy who came up with the idea of selling virtual trinkets for real money? Nah! Couldn’t be!

…A Facebook movie.

…Sigh