I don’t know what this says about me, but it’s Friday night, and I just saw the trailer for the Facebook movie.  I think it’s actually called “The Social Network“, or “500 Million Friends”, or something like that.  Personally, I think more accurate titles would be along the lines of:

“I’m So Busy that I Have Time to Log in to Facebook to Tell You that I’m Busy:  The Fall of Western Society”, or “My Life Sucks. Have You Seen My Farm: A Retrospective.”

It doesn’t really matter what they call it, really, because a polished turd is still just a turd, but I am certain of at least one thing:

Suicide may be a viable option at this point.

Seriously, if this is what’s left, stop the world, because Art wants to get off.

Those of you who know me or my work are already aware of how I am in a constant state of amazement at how anybody who deems themselves to be a “social media expert” can be taken seriously by anybody with a real job/car/life.  My opinions are not a secret, and this movie trailer leaves me feeling like the most vindicated man on Earth.

What is it with this over the top crap?  I was just assailed with a string of single words slamming onto the screen with the trademark orchestral “Whomp”.  (What?  No 3D?  Where’s James Cameron when you need him?  Blue Aliens, blue and white interface…I’m just saying.)

Punk
Genius
Prophet
Traitor
Billionaire
Autistic

Okay. I added the last one myself.  But truth be told, my addition may be more accurate than some of the others up there.  Punk?  I’ve met actual punks.  Mark is not a punk.  At best, he’s a dork.  Any self-respecting punk would kick his ass.

Genius?  That’s debatable.  He started a slightly-less-crappy MySpace.

Prophet?  Do you mean like Jesus?  Well the only Jesus I’m seeing here is people saying “Jesus Christ. You mean somebody actually made this movie?

Traitor.  Well, we all know what the Russian mob does to those, don’t we?

Billionaire.  Big deal.  It’s obviously not hard to be a paper rich guy in the Valley.  As long as you can get three guys together who tell everyone they’d pay a billion bucks for your idea, you’re suddenly rich.

All of that aside though, how can anybody keep a straight face here? This is so goofy that even Vince McMahon would say, “Are you kidding me?  This crap is fake!”

Apparently, we’re all supposed to believe that Mark Zuckerberg is Web 2.0’s Jason Bourne, and he’s here to kick some ass and or sweat all over you, whichever comes first.  Look out Kara Swisher, he’s coming for you.  Nobody messes with Mark’s sweatshirt.  Nobody.

Also, it is rumored that the part of Mark’s Zuckerberg’s trademark sweatshirt will be played by Dave Winer, and Pete Cashmore will have a cameo role as a reflector on Zuckerberg’s bicycle.

With all of this being said, I must admit that I do feel a bit torn right now.  If the trailer is any indication as to how over the top and full of self-importance the movie actually is, we are completely doomed as a culture.  However, on the flip side, if the “Muggles” (I think that’s what the “experts” call the common folk who don’t understand teh for realz world of Social mediaz) buy into this movie and actually watch it, I may have to backtrack on everything I’ve ever said, because the evil side of me would be forced to applaud the biggest fraud perpetrated on the American people since Nixon finished off the remnants of the Gold Standard.

Bravo, nerds.  Bravo.